Archive | February, 2014

Sochi Luge Champion Vanishes from Track

15 Feb

Gustav Blastimov was not a name that made the headlines. The long-time luge champion was, however, ranked close to the top and surpassed 85 miles per hour on Tuesday’s run. On Wednesday’s competition things took a slightly different turn, as Blastimov’s speed suddenly went off the charts and he and his sled seemed to vanish into thin air.

Names like Erin Hamlin are making headlines this year in Sochi. A bystander at the event, and undercover agent for the Non-Associated Press, said, “Blastimov rounded the fourth turn, going as fast as ever, then a burst of speed made him hard to track. The cameras did not pick him up on the next turn and there was no sign of a crash. He just vanished!”

“All I could see was a foggy cloud as he steamed ahead. I thought he was going for the record,” said NBC sports anchor Bob Costas in an unrelated interview.

On Thursday, Al Roker and Matt Lauer attempted a run on the same luge track. “Something seemed to throw us off course,” said Roker in an unquoted comment. Their sled hit the wall and then slid in reverse momentarily. “It was the most bizarre experience of my life,” Lauer replied.

Russian astrophysicists were secretly on scene in the wee-hours of Friday morning. At first nothing seemed to look out of the ordinary, according to intercepted communications from NORAD regarding transmissions being legally monitored. Ice and air samplings later indicated a wormhole, intramolecular vortex, or some undiscovered phenomenon may have resulted in the disappearance of Gustav Blastimov.