Archive | January, 2014

N.J. Governor Chris Christie to Hold 24-Hour Talk-a-Thon Regarding Bridge Scandal

11 Jan

Trenton, NJ – January 10 – A belligerent source close to the Chris Christie administration said the New Jersey governor plans to follow up his recent 100-minute press conference on the George Washington Bridge traffic scandal with a full 24-hour talk regarding the matter. Local media correspondents suggest the upcoming talk-a-thon will feature more apologies, denials, misstatements, lies, and deceit. It will probably take place toward the last week in January.

The press conference was apparently not enough to clear the governor of the case, sources say, and created more questions than what it tried to answer. Christie claims he was lied to by his aides. He also fired Bridget Anne Kelley, his Deputy Chief of Staff, and Bill Stepien, for being involved in the scandal. Both have since been hired at a local Applebees, an unnamed source said.

Analysts have suggested Christie spoke for as long as he did in an attempt to bore the public. That did not hold true, Lead Analytical Director of the American Society of Statistics indicated this morning. Instead, state council members have invoked a little known provision in the state constitution.

According to the State of New Jersey Gubernatorial Talk-a-Thon Regulatory Amendment 17.43a, Page 2, Item 5, Paragraph 60, any governor engaging in a 24-hour speech must not pause for longer than 10 seconds. They are alotted half a glass of water and cannot take two sips of water in less than a 3 hour period. In addition, no eating, alcohol, or contradictions are allowed.

In a late-breaking statement, a spokesperson for the Port Authority said that, on an average day, motorists driving across the GWB should get to hear most of the speech on their car radios.

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Hysterical Prayer Session as Pope Francis Prank Calls Nuns

4 Jan

Lucena, Spain – January 4 – A group of nuns received a voice mail from a familiar voice on New Year’s Eve, according to sources at the International Phone Bug Association. It was the voice of Pope Francis, calling none other than the nuns at the Carmelite community, in the peaceful city of Lucena, Spain. The Pope’s voice cut in right in the middle of the evening prayer.

“This is cookie monster. I’m calling to wish you great New Years,” the voice said, according to Sister Mary Lucinda. “God bless you all, and don’t think I won’t call back.”

The purported call came in at about 11:35pm local time. It was not known for sure it was the Pope who called. An unidentified nun said, “It was so funny, I peed myself. We were hysterical.”

Sister Adriana, prioress of the convent since March, reported that after a careful consultation with a local bishop, nobody could reach the Vatican. The sisters waited for hours and hours until someone called back, still laughing instead of praying.

“I think we broke the record for time laughing during prayer,” Mary Lucinda said in an unrelated statement. “…and we laugh all the time.”