Archive | December, 2013

Republicans Secretly Sign Up for Obamacare

31 Dec

An undisclosed source reported that a significant number of republicans have signed on to health insurance through the Affordable Care Act, otherwise ridiculously known as Obamacare. The details disclosed in the report stated republican citizens and members of Congress have signed up for plans. An unidentified commentator also said the problems on the government website may be due to the fact high-profile, computer illiterate republican representatives have nothing else to complain about, in an embellished and unrelated interview.

Approximately 20% of Congressional republicans have signed up for health insurance under the new law. A source said sometimes the sounds of bickering about using the Internet can be heard in the halls of the Capitol building. Although names have not been released, House Speaker John Boehner himself hinted he was considering enrollment in an unrelated speech.

The reason for the secretive support for the President’s plan is not known. Many republicans have rejected the healthcare reform from its inception. An analyst from the American Society of Statistics suggested the republicans who hate the plan still hate; others who are not as vocal may simply see a benefit from it.

In an undisclosed commentary, Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius said, “I’ve never programmed a website in my life and, to be honest, I don’t use the Internet much. Can I get a latte please?”

As to the incidence of two conversations at once, an undisclosed spokesperson for President Obama said, “This echoes every issue throughout Washington. Does everyone hate the health insurance, or are they just terrible at using the net?” The spokesperson promptly ordered a pizza and the sound of a toilet flushing occurred immediately after.

Analysts say the answer is not clear, but if republicans want to contribute to the plans, then that is OK. The more people who do, the better off the system is. Sebelius stated in an unrelated statement there would be lots and lots of problems, as there always is when some new and complicated system is introduced. She too was glad some republicans were adamant about signing up, however, under oath of embellishment.

“Dammit, I just need one damn latte!!%$^#%@$”