Grammy Awards 2017 to Feature Football Halftime

16 Feb

Los Angeles – February 16, 2016 – The 2017 Grammy Awards will feature a live football halftime show, thanks to a deal signed between the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences and the NFL. An L.A. Times editorial reported a new mechanism will be installed under the floor of the Staples Center. It will allow the stage and seating areas to retract to make way for a football field.

Although in its initial planning stages, the event will reportedly stretch to an estimated four hours and twenty minutes to accommodate a 20 minute football game with about 16 minutes of commercial time. It will also have its own halftime show with Beyonce rumored to be the headline act. This will last approximately 45 seconds.

As of the report, the teams, divisions, and players to participate in the game are as of yet unknown. Sources close to the matter denied any plans to simply move the Super Bowl to the halftime of the Grammy’s, since so little football is actually played during the big game. A team of commentators will include Ryan Seacrest, Chris Matthews, L.L. Cool J, and Taylor Swift.

In an unrelated interview, Grammy President Neil Portnow said, “We have been looking for ways to add diversity to our show. What better way to do this than to take our nation’s biggest forces in entertainment – music and football – and mash them into one epic show.”

When asked how any glitches would be handled, Portnow added, “Technology will be so far advanced by then, nobody will even notice,” while he was texting a buddy on his smart phone.

The 2017 Grammy Awards Football Halftime Show will be sponsored by an as-yet-to-be-founded startup company that will blend cosmetics with flexible circuitry and feature Lady Gaga as its permanent virtual spokesperson.

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Belmont Contender Breaks Speed Record during Practice

31 May

New York, NY – May 31, 2014 – During a practice run this week at the Belmont racetrack in New York, triple-crown contender California Chrome did what no other horse has done. Two-thirds of the way down the 1½ mile track, a thundering gallop switched to an echoing boom as the horse broke the sound barrier. This marks the first time, according to horse race speed experts.

Jockey Victor Espinoza could be seen holding on for dear life, said eyewitnesses, but in seconds was thrown clear of the horse and went airborne. Espinoza reportedly did three double back flips and a quadruple twist before landing upright in the stands. He cheered on vigorously as the horse barreled through the finish line. According to an unidentified source, it took two laps for the horse to slow down to a measurable speed.

After careful examination, a team of experts declared the horse was not injured and appears ready to compete in the Belmont Stakes on June 7.

California Chrome is not the first horse to have unbelievable bursts in speed. In April 1973, would-be Triple Crown winner Secretariat reach mach .85 during a training run.

In an unrelated interview, Rosie Napravnic, jockey for Bayern in this year’s Kentucky Derby and Preakness, once said her horse approached the speed of light. Embellishment analysts say this is unlikely, although no official measurements were released.

According to the American Society of Statistics, one-in-10,000 horses will reach unbelievable speeds. That statistic was fact-checked by a team of raccoons and certified by an internal auditor with no knowledge of horses.

Sochi Luge Champion Vanishes from Track

15 Feb

Gustav Blastimov was not a name that made the headlines. The long-time luge champion was, however, ranked close to the top and surpassed 85 miles per hour on Tuesday’s run. On Wednesday’s competition things took a slightly different turn, as Blastimov’s speed suddenly went off the charts and he and his sled seemed to vanish into thin air.

Names like Erin Hamlin are making headlines this year in Sochi. A bystander at the event, and undercover agent for the Non-Associated Press, said, “Blastimov rounded the fourth turn, going as fast as ever, then a burst of speed made him hard to track. The cameras did not pick him up on the next turn and there was no sign of a crash. He just vanished!”

“All I could see was a foggy cloud as he steamed ahead. I thought he was going for the record,” said NBC sports anchor Bob Costas in an unrelated interview.

On Thursday, Al Roker and Matt Lauer attempted a run on the same luge track. “Something seemed to throw us off course,” said Roker in an unquoted comment. Their sled hit the wall and then slid in reverse momentarily. “It was the most bizarre experience of my life,” Lauer replied.

Russian astrophysicists were secretly on scene in the wee-hours of Friday morning. At first nothing seemed to look out of the ordinary, according to intercepted communications from NORAD regarding transmissions being legally monitored. Ice and air samplings later indicated a wormhole, intramolecular vortex, or some undiscovered phenomenon may have resulted in the disappearance of Gustav Blastimov.

N.J. Governor Chris Christie to Hold 24-Hour Talk-a-Thon Regarding Bridge Scandal

11 Jan

Trenton, NJ – January 10 – A belligerent source close to the Chris Christie administration said the New Jersey governor plans to follow up his recent 100-minute press conference on the George Washington Bridge traffic scandal with a full 24-hour talk regarding the matter. Local media correspondents suggest the upcoming talk-a-thon will feature more apologies, denials, misstatements, lies, and deceit. It will probably take place toward the last week in January.

The press conference was apparently not enough to clear the governor of the case, sources say, and created more questions than what it tried to answer. Christie claims he was lied to by his aides. He also fired Bridget Anne Kelley, his Deputy Chief of Staff, and Bill Stepien, for being involved in the scandal. Both have since been hired at a local Applebees, an unnamed source said.

Analysts have suggested Christie spoke for as long as he did in an attempt to bore the public. That did not hold true, Lead Analytical Director of the American Society of Statistics indicated this morning. Instead, state council members have invoked a little known provision in the state constitution.

According to the State of New Jersey Gubernatorial Talk-a-Thon Regulatory Amendment 17.43a, Page 2, Item 5, Paragraph 60, any governor engaging in a 24-hour speech must not pause for longer than 10 seconds. They are alotted half a glass of water and cannot take two sips of water in less than a 3 hour period. In addition, no eating, alcohol, or contradictions are allowed.

In a late-breaking statement, a spokesperson for the Port Authority said that, on an average day, motorists driving across the GWB should get to hear most of the speech on their car radios.

Hysterical Prayer Session as Pope Francis Prank Calls Nuns

4 Jan

Lucena, Spain – January 4 – A group of nuns received a voice mail from a familiar voice on New Year’s Eve, according to sources at the International Phone Bug Association. It was the voice of Pope Francis, calling none other than the nuns at the Carmelite community, in the peaceful city of Lucena, Spain. The Pope’s voice cut in right in the middle of the evening prayer.

“This is cookie monster. I’m calling to wish you great New Years,” the voice said, according to Sister Mary Lucinda. “God bless you all, and don’t think I won’t call back.”

The purported call came in at about 11:35pm local time. It was not known for sure it was the Pope who called. An unidentified nun said, “It was so funny, I peed myself. We were hysterical.”

Sister Adriana, prioress of the convent since March, reported that after a careful consultation with a local bishop, nobody could reach the Vatican. The sisters waited for hours and hours until someone called back, still laughing instead of praying.

“I think we broke the record for time laughing during prayer,” Mary Lucinda said in an unrelated statement. “…and we laugh all the time.”

Republicans Secretly Sign Up for Obamacare

31 Dec

An undisclosed source reported that a significant number of republicans have signed on to health insurance through the Affordable Care Act, otherwise ridiculously known as Obamacare. The details disclosed in the report stated republican citizens and members of Congress have signed up for plans. An unidentified commentator also said the problems on the government website may be due to the fact high-profile, computer illiterate republican representatives have nothing else to complain about, in an embellished and unrelated interview.

Approximately 20% of Congressional republicans have signed up for health insurance under the new law. A source said sometimes the sounds of bickering about using the Internet can be heard in the halls of the Capitol building. Although names have not been released, House Speaker John Boehner himself hinted he was considering enrollment in an unrelated speech.

The reason for the secretive support for the President’s plan is not known. Many republicans have rejected the healthcare reform from its inception. An analyst from the American Society of Statistics suggested the republicans who hate the plan still hate; others who are not as vocal may simply see a benefit from it.

In an undisclosed commentary, Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius said, “I’ve never programmed a website in my life and, to be honest, I don’t use the Internet much. Can I get a latte please?”

As to the incidence of two conversations at once, an undisclosed spokesperson for President Obama said, “This echoes every issue throughout Washington. Does everyone hate the health insurance, or are they just terrible at using the net?” The spokesperson promptly ordered a pizza and the sound of a toilet flushing occurred immediately after.

Analysts say the answer is not clear, but if republicans want to contribute to the plans, then that is OK. The more people who do, the better off the system is. Sebelius stated in an unrelated statement there would be lots and lots of problems, as there always is when some new and complicated system is introduced. She too was glad some republicans were adamant about signing up, however, under oath of embellishment.

“Dammit, I just need one damn latte!!%$^#%@$”

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19 Oct

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